


A Humble Beginning

by frankiesin



Series: no one here is cis [5]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: (but only if you've read nohic and know how it ends), Alternate Universe - High School, Closeted Character, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Prequel, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 03:44:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10585737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankiesin/pseuds/frankiesin
Summary: Everyone remembers their first love, and their first kiss. For Brendon, it's a warm summer night in May. It's just him and Ryan, and at age fourteen, Brendon believes that there's nothing that can come between the two of them.(part of no one here is cis, because I'm a fucker)





	

**Author's Note:**

> "Jeff wrote a ryden???? What the hell?" Yes, this is the apocalypse, I know. Also, I'd like to remind everyone that I don't actually ship Ryan and Brendon, and that this exists only because I'm an asshole who enjoys making people cry. 
> 
> To those of you who are rydens reading this: um. Hi? I don't hate your ship I'm just not into it? Also, if you're a Hardcore Ryden I suggest you don't read the rest of this AU. It, um, doesn't end well for the ship. If you're not a hardcore ryden or you came here because of nohic, well, this story isn't the worst I've done. It's not even the weirdest. 
> 
> I promise it's fluffy. It just might hurt if you know what else is going on.

Brendon knew he was weird. He was in eighth grade, had only one friend, and had never even been on a date with a girl. In fact, girls didn’t like him at all. It wasn’t because he smelled, or had a face covered in acne and ugly marks, or had bad teeth. He had braces, but most people in his grade had braces, so it wasn’t a big deal.

 

It was because of his parents. Brendon knew his parents were weird, but until middle school, he hadn’t realised just how weird they were. Brendon hadn’t been allowed to watch anything other than PBS kids growing up, and he couldn’t spend the night at anyone’s house. Not even Dallon, who went to the same church as Brendon. Brendon’s parents liked Dallon’s parents, but Brendon still couldn’t stay over.

 

Brendon had to _beg_ his parents to hang out at Dallon’s house after school. He convinced Dallon to join the middle school chorus just so that he wouldn’t be alone during the rehearsals.

 

Brendon lived a pathetic life, and it was becoming more and more obvious just how pathetic he was the older he got. He was three weeks shy of being fourteen, and his parents still wouldn’t let him watch _Disney Channel_. He could watch Disney movies, which would be cool if everyone else at school thought Disney movies sucked. Brendon wasn’t a baby anymore. He was almost in high school, and he wanted his parents to treat him as such.

 

Dallon had invited him over for the afternoon, since it was a Friday and Dallon didn’t do much either. Brendon’s parents had said yes, surprisingly, and so Brendon got to wait outside with the carpool kids instead of getting on a bus.

 

He spotted Dallon’s mom’s car easily enough, and waved as he ran across the pavement, careful not to run into anyone. He got into the backseat of the car even though he knew he could sit up front. Brendon’s parents said he wasn’t mature enough to sit in the front seat, so Brendon never did.

 

“Dallon’s back at the house,” Ms. Weekes said as she moved over to get into the line to exit the middle school parking lot. “Did you want to get anything to eat before we go back?”

 

Brendon thought about the Wendy’s that was near the middle and high schools, and how all the cool high schoolers would hang out there after school. He thought about how his parents hated when he had fast food or soda, and how they’d probably know if Ms. Weekes gave him junk food. Brendon frowned and shook his head. “No thanks. I’m not super hungry.”

 

“Alright, if you say so,’ Ms. Weekes said. She was a nice lady, but a little obsessed with Jesus. For example, there were five crosses that Brendon could see from where he was sitting, plus a bible between the front seats. As far as he knew, the Weekes family had never missed a church service.

 

The drive back to Dallon’s house was short, and Brendon managed to make small talk with Ms. Weekes so that it wasn’t super awkward and quiet the whole time. As soon as she parked the car in the garage, though, Brendon was hopping out of the backseat and running into the house to find Dallon.

 

Dallon was in the living room as usual, because his older brother (who was a senior in high school and probably the coolest person Brendon had ever talked to) was up in their room. Dallon wasn’t alone, though. He was sitting on one of the beanbags and there were two other boys sitting on each end of the couch. Brendon didn’t recognise either of them.

 

The one with longish hair looked up first. His face was soft and his eyes were blue like Dallon’s, and he looked pissed off that Brendon was in the room. Brendon shrunk back against the doorframe until the guy smiled. He had a nice smile, so maybe the pissed off expression was just his resting face. Brendon straightened up and waved. “Hi. I’m Brendon. I’m Dallon’s friend.”

 

Dallon perked up, looking over his shoulder at Brendon. “How long have you been standing there? Join us on the floor.”

 

“You’re the only one on the floor,” Brendon said, but came over and grabbed the other beanbag. He looked up at the two new people. “Who’re you guys?”

 

“I’m Spencer, and that asshole is Ryan,” the guy said, pointing to his friend who still hadn’t looked up. His friend, Ryan, had straight, dark brown hair that went past his chin and covered his face, and he was the skinniest, lankiest guy Brendon had seen. He was hunched over some paper he’d propped up on his knees, and had earbuds in.

 

Spencer rolled his eyes and tossed a pencil across the couch. “Ry, Dallon’s friend is here. Stop being an asshole.”

 

“Seriously, don’t swear when my mom’s still down here,” Dallon said. It sounded like he’d had to remind Spencer about that before. “You guys are cool. I don’t want to get banned from hanging out with you just because you can’t censor yourself.”

 

“Sorry,” Spencer said. Ryan still hadn’t looked up. Spencer let out a sigh and leaned across the couch, yanking an earbud out. “Pay attention, Jeez.”

 

“You yanked my earbud,” Ryan said. He pushed his hair away from his face, and for a moment, everything froze around Brendon. Ryan didn’t look like any of the people Brendon saw on magazines when he went grocery shopping with his mom, or any of the models he saw on billboards. It didn’t matter, though, because in that moment, Ryan was the most beautiful person Brendon had ever seen. His jaw was smooth and sharp, and Brendon wanted to run his fingers across Ryan’s cheeks and face. He had these big brown eyes, tinted bronze in the light of the setting sun. He looked sad, but in a poetic way.

 

Brendon squeezed his eyes shut. Ryan was a guy. Brendon’s parents, Dallon’s parents, the church… everyone said that a boy liking another boy was wrong. Brendon didn’t want to go to hell, just because some dude Dallon knew had caught him off guard one afternoon in March.

 

Dallon waved his hand in front of Brendon’s face. “Bren, earth to Brendon.”

 

“Sorry, I spaced out,” Brendon said. He could feel his face heating up and immediately looked away from Ryan. “What was the question?”

 

“It wasn’t a question,” Ryan said. Brendon refused to look back at him. “Dallon was just saying that we met each other in AP World and bonded over the unnecessary amount of notes needed for that class.”

 

“Haha, sucks for you,” Spencer said.

 

Ryan shoved him so that he fell back into the pillows. “Shut up, fuckface. You’re going to be in there next year.”

 

Dallon rolled his eyes. “Guys, seriously. Don’t swear inside.”

 

“Wait, you’re taking AP next year?” Brendon asked. He was hoping that Spencer would be going to the same high school as Brendon, so that he could maybe have _one_ friend in his grade. Or at least, he’d have someone who could tolerate his presence so that he wouldn’t have to eat lunch alone every day.

 

“Yeah, I’m just taking AP World though,” Spencer said. “Apparently AP Bio is really hard and most people just retake it as their senior credit.”

 

“Oh,” Brendon said. “I’m taking both.”

 

“You’ll be _fine_ ,” Dallon said. He reached over from his beanbag and ruffled Brendon’s hair, messing it up. Not that it mattered much, because Brendon had a bowl cut and he looked like a bad rendition of a Beatles member no matter what he did with his hair. Dallon leaned back into his beanbag. “You’re a smartass anyway. I think you’d have to try to fail AP Bio to actually fail it.”

 

“Whatever happened to _no swearing while my mom’s here_?” Ryan said. He had this crooked little smile on his face, and that was the moment Brendon realised he was going to hell. He was gay, he liked boys, and if his parents and everyone he knew was right, he was a sinning deviant and one of the most disgusting types of people in the world.

 

But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that Brendon’s family would hate him if they ever found out, because he finally felt like he belonged somewhere. Spencer and Ryan had taken one look at Brendon, in his hand-me-down clothes and outdated haircut, and they’d accepted him anyway.

 

Dallon tossed his eraser at Ryan. “Shut up. Brendon’s a smartass but we’re his friends anyway.”

 

“Only if he promises to cry over AP World notes with me,” Spencer said, grinning at Brendon. Brendon nodded. He didn’t know if he’d actually cry because of an AP class, but he’d do it to be friends with these guys.

 

Ryan looked over at Brendon, studying him. “Well, you don’t look like a total dick. So, yeah, sure, friendship sounds cool.”

 

* * *

 

It soon became a thing for the four of them to gather at Dallon’s house. Spencer kept offering to let them use his house, since he had his own bedroom and his mom didn’t care if people swore or took food out of the kitchen, but Dallon said it was fine. Brendon knew the real reason Dallon had everyone meet at his house: Brendon’s parents didn’t know Spencer’s parents at all, and would never let Brendon go over to Spencer’s house.

 

Apparently, Spencer’s family was Catholic, but they weren’t super religious and only went to church once every few weeks. Ryan didn’t go to church at all, unless it was Christmas or Easter, and that was a totally foreign concept to Brendon, who’d practically grown up in the church, along with his three older siblings.

 

“Wait, you seriously just don’t go?” Brendon asked. “Are your parents okay with that?”

 

Dallon looked up at the ceiling. Spencer looked uncomfortable, and Ryan’s face clouded over with something dark and unfamiliar. Brendon swallowed. He’d said the wrong thing. Again. Now he was going to lose his friends and be back to just Dallon. Dallon would be pissed at him, too, because Dallon liked Spencer and Ryan and the four of them all got along really well. Brendon slid down in his chair, staring at the kitchen table. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s whatever,” Ryan said. “I don’t have a good relationship with my dad, and it’s not like I believe in God anyway, so who cares if I go to church or not?”

 

Brendon almost responded with, _I do_ , because he didn’t want Ryan going to hell for being a non-believer. But then he looked up at Ryan’s face, and saw how his jaw was clenched tight, and his eyes were a dark, wet, muddy brown, and he changed his mind. Brendon nodded. “Right. Sorry.”

 

“I said it’s okay,” Ryan said. “I don’t talk about it a lot, so it’s not like you were supposed to just read my brain and know everything about me.”

 

Brendon nodded again.

 

“So, anyway, I heard that Pete Wentz got a girl pregnant,” Spencer said, in an obvious attempt to change the subject. Brendon had been in the same third grade class at Pete Wentz, and knew that they went to the same middle school, but that was about it.

 

“Wait, isn’t Pete that guy who wears his hair in front of his face and looks like a raccoon because he wears eyeliner?” Brendon asked.

 

“No, that’s Ryan,” Dallon said. Ryan flipped him off, but he was smiling about it, so that meant that things were okay. The four of them dissolved into school gossip, most of which Brendon knew nothing about, and didn’t get any homework done. Brendon didn’t care, even though he knew his parents would be pissed about it. Brendon was smart. If he could focus on something, he could get it finished in an amazingly short amount of time.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Dallon,” Brendon said. It was the beginning of May, and the two of them were hanging out at the church while their parents did parenty things inside. It was the first hot day of the summer, and Brendon and Dallon were sitting out in the church playground, lifelessly swinging back and forth and trying not to touch anything metal. Dallon was wearing sunglasses. Brendon was not.

 

Dallon kicked his legs up, swinging past Brendon. “Yeah?”

 

“Do you think gay people go to hell?” Brendon asked. His heart was pounding in his chest as he said the words. He tried to stay calm, in case Dallon could sense that Brendon was gay.

 

Dallon dug his feet into the shredded tree bits that lined the ground. He propped his sunglasses up on his head, making his hair stick up like a cartoon character. “What? No. I don’t think God cares that much.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Well, yeah,” Dallon said. “Also, if God hated gay people, why would he make people gay? That doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“Okay, cool,” Brendon said. He took a deep breath and then said, “I have a crush on Ryan and I think I’m gay.”

 

There was a very long moment of silence between the two boys. Brendon stared at Dallon, and Dallon stared back at Brendon. Brendon didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong, either. Dallon had just said that he didn’t think there was anything wrong with being gay, but now he was looking at Brendon like Brendon had just screwed up everything.

 

Brendon’s lip quivered. He didn’t want to cry, not in front of Dallon, but it was too late and the tears were already coming, spilling out and onto his cheeks. Brendon slumped over, covering his face with his hands. Dallon hated him. Dallon was going to tell Spencer and Ryan, and then Spencer and Ryan would stop talking to Brendon because he was a creep who lusted over his friends. Brendon sobbed. “Please don’t tell anyone. Please, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry--”

 

Brendon felt Dallon’s arms wrap around him, and they both almost fell off the swing and onto the ground, but Dallon was holding Brendon steady. Dallon squeezed Brendon tightly. “I’m not mad, I’m not upset. I didn’t see it coming, that’s all, okay? I’m still your friend, and I won’t tell anyone. You should get to come out on your own time, Bren. I’m not taking that away from you.”

 

Brendon was still crying, but now he was able to relax against Dallon and muffle his tears in Dallon’s shoulder. Dallon held onto him until Brendon was no longer shaking and crying, and then he moved back and knelt on the ground in front of Brendon. Dallon looked up at him, his eyebrows furrowed with concern, and gently squeezed Brendon’s knee. “No matter what, I’m your friend, and unless you want me to fuck off, I won’t.”

 

Brendon laughed, but it came out watery and weird. “Dude, I would never tell you to fuck off. You’re, like, my only friend. My best friend.”

 

“I try,” Dallon shrugged. Brendon couldn’t tell if he looked sad or not.

 

Brendon got off of the swing and wrapped his arms around Dallon, hugging him back. “You’re succeeding. Thanks for being cool about everything..”

 

“Of course,” Dallon said. “What are friends for?”

 

* * *

 

Brendon took a deep breath and headed down the stairs to where he knew both of his parents would be reading in the living room. They had a TV, but they rarely watched it because Brendon’s parents thought that most TV shows were garbage. Brendon got down the stairs and hovered in the doorway to the living room, scratching the back of his bare calf with a socked foot.

 

Brendon’s dad looked up first. “Brendon? Did you want something?”

 

“Some of my friends are having an end of the year party,” Brendon said. He was pretty sure his parents wouldn’t let him go, but he had to ask anyway. “It’ll just be, like, four of us, and Spencer’s mom will be there the whole time, and I promise that Ryan and Spencer are both like Dallon and they don’t smoke or drink or swear or anything, and I really want to go, please?”

 

“How’re your grades looking?” his dad asked. It was May. There were only two weeks of school left before exams. Brendon didn’t know what his grades were, but the last time they’d been posted, they’d been pretty good.

 

Brendon shrugged. “I don’t know. Last time I saw them, they were good.”

 

“Well, if you can get all of your teachers to update us with how you’re doing, then maybe,” Brendon’s mom said. “But, we need to meet Spencer and Ryan first, and Spencer’s parents as well. I don’t want you sneaking off into a house of sin, Brendon. Your relationship with God comes before your relationship with your friends.”

 

Brendon nodded. “Okay mom. I can do that. I’ll ask my teachers tomorrow. Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome,” she said. “It’s late, though, so you should be getting to bed.”

 

Brendon nodded and said goodnight to his parents before heading upstairs. He pulled his laptop out and opened Facebook. His parents didn’t know he had a Facebook, but it wasn’t like he used it a lot. He only had three friends: Dallon, Spencer, and Ryan. Brendon never posted anything on Facebook either, because he was a minor and he didn’t want people on the internet getting pictures of his face and doing weird things with them. Brendon just used Facebook to talk with his friends, since he didn’t have a phone.

 

 **Brendon Urie** : guys my mom said yes!!!!!!

 **Ryan Ross** : really? i thought ur mom was super against u having friends

 **Spencer J Smith** : omg ryan dont be a dick

 **Brendon Urie** : no its ok

 **Brendon Urie** : my parents are kind of strict :////

 **Spencer J Smith** : true

 **Spencer J Smith** : but u can really come??

 **Brendon Urie** : yeah!!!!! my mom just wants to meet u and ryan first + also ur mom

 **Dallon Weekes** : does she know its a sleepover

 **Brendon Urie** : shit… no she does not

 **Dallon Weekes** : dont tell her we’ll just say it ran late and you spent the night bc u didn’t want to wake them up when u came home

 **Ryan Ross** : is that going to work

 **Dallon Weekes** : it should. its what i did with my parents when i stayed the night with u and spencer last time

 **Brendon Urie** : u guys had a sleepover without me?????? rude

 **Spencer J Smith** : sorry dude

 **Brendon Urie** : its ok

 **Ryan Ross** : hey think about it this way: since spencers mom is literally a saint, ur parents will love her and ull get to stay over at spencers all the time

 **Brendon Urie** : hopefully

 **Ryan Ross** : ur parents cant be that bad

 **Dallon Weekes** : u’d be surprised

 **Brendon Urie** : i should probably get off before my parents catch me up and change their mind

 **Brendon Urie** : night guys!!!!!!!!

 

Brendon shut down his laptop and then changed into his pajamas, grinning and dancing around the whole time. He was too energised to sleep. His parents were okay with him sleeping over at someone’s house! This never happened!

 

Brendon crossed his fingers and squeezed his eyes shut. _Dear God, please let my mom and dad really like Ms. Smith. I really, really want to go to this sleepover and get to hang out with my friends. I promise not to lie to my parents for a whole month if you let them say yes. Please, God, please. I want to be normal for once!_

 

* * *

 

Brendon’s parents invited Spencer and Ryan to go to church with them. Spencer and Ryan agreed, probably because they were trying to suck up to Brendon’s parents. After church, everyone met up with Spencer’s mom downtown for lunch. The whole thing was awkward, and Brendon could tell that Spencer and Ryan were both uncomfortable.

 

There wasn’t anything Brendon could do about it. He _had_ to do what his parents asked, otherwise he’d get in a lot of trouble and end up with no way to communicate with the three friends he had. Brendon didn’t want to lose his friendships.

 

At the end of lunch, Ms. Smith took Ryan and Spencer back to her car and Brendon and two of his older sister followed their parents back to the car. Brendon’s older brothers were off at college having fun on their own. Brendon’s sister was a senior, and she never wanted anything to do with Brendon. Dallon’s brother was way cooler, because he actually talked to Dallon and Brendon.

 

“Spencer and Ryan seem like charming young men,” Brendon’s dad said.

 

His mom nodded. “It’s nice to see people who are so close to God. And Ginger is a nice woman, too. I might have lunch with her again, some time when the kids are off doing things.”

 

“So, I can still go?” Brendon asked from the backseat. He saw his sister roll her eyes at his enthusiasm, but Brendon didn’t care.

 

“Yes, of course,” his dad said. “So long as you don’t break any rules between now and then.”

 

“I won’t,” Brendon promised. “Thank you!”

 

* * *

 

It was the day after school let out, and Brendon was sitting on the edge of Dallon’s bed, trying not to throw up from nerves. Dallon had suggested that Brendon get ready at the Weekes’ house instead of the Uries’, in case there were people other than Spencer and Ryan at the party. Spencer had other friends, and since this was an end of the year party and not just a _let’s hang out at Spencer’s house_ thing, it would probably be more than the four of them.

 

Ryan, Dallon, and Brendon were the only ones staying over, though, which was nice. Brendon didn’t want to be crowded in a living room with a bunch of people he didn’t know.

 

“Is it normal to be scared?” Brendon said. Dallon was in his and his brother’s shared closet, rifling through clothes. Brendon didn’t know where Dallon’s brother was. He was probably off doing cool adult stuff, now that he’d graduated high school. Brendon couldn’t wait until he was an adult and didn’t have to do what his parents told him to.

 

Dallon draped a baseball tee over his arm. “It’s your first party, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then it is normal,” Dallon said. “But remember, it’s just Ryan and Spencer, and no one’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to. And if things get too much, you can always come hang out with me and I’ll act as your wingman.”

 

“What if there’s alcohol?” Brendon whispered.

 

Dallon rolled his eyes. “There won’t be alcohol. Ryan’s there, and he hates alcohol, and Spencer respects Ryan enough to make sure no one tries sneaking anything in. We’re probably just going to sit around and listen to whatever weird music Spencer and Ryan are listening to. There’ll also be video games. Probably. You can kick ass in Mario Kart.”

 

“Oh, yeah, because that’ll make me seem so cool,” Brendon said, as sarcastically as he could manage.

 

“Bren, come on. Ryan writes sappy poetry about the broken pencils he finds under people’s desks and Spencer’s room is themed around Legos. Our friends aren’t exactly cool,” Dallon said. He had a point, but that didn’t make Brendon feel any better.

 

He was nervous in the car, staring out the window and tapping his foot rapidly. Dallon reached over and put his hand on Brendon’s knee because Ms. Weekes was making an annoyed face from the front seat. Brendon just started tapping his other foot. Dallon sighed deeply and lifted his hand from Brendon’s knee.

 

Spencer’s house wasn’t anything special. It was right by the schools, though, which would be convenient in the future, assuming Brendon didn’t get banned from hanging out with Spencer and Ryan after this. There were lights on from inside, and Brendon could hear music playing. It sounded like everyone was outside, which made sense. It was the end of May, and it was warm outside. Brendon was in shorts and a t-shirt.

 

“Alright, you boys have fun,” Ms. Weekes said, smiling back at the two of them. “Dallon, if you or Brendon need to be picked up early, don’t hesitate to call me. I’ll be back for you two in the morning, okay?”

 

“Okay mom,” Dallon said, and got out of the car.

 

“Thanks for the ride, Ms. Weekes,” Brendon said, and followed Dallon up Spencer’s driveway.

 

Dallon knocked on the front door, and a few moments later, a kid opened it up and glared up at Dallon and Brendon with sharp blue eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest. “What’s the password?”

 

Before Dallon or Brendon could try and make something up to appease the girl, Spencer came running through the hall towards the door. He picked up the girl and moved her away from the door even though she protested and loudly called him a “butt-face.” Spencer turned back to Dallon and Brendon and gave them an exasperated smile. “Sorry about my sister. She’s weird.”

 

“It’s cool,” Dallon said.

 

“Everyone’s in the backyard, and my dad’s grilling stuff,” Spencer said as Brendon and Dallon came into the house. Spencer closed the door behind them. “Bren, are you still a vegetarian?”

 

“Um, yeah, but if you guys don’t have veggie burgers or whatever I can figure something out…” Brendon started to say.

 

“Dude, it’s fine,” Spencer said. “My dad just needs to know how many people are vegetarians so he makes enough food for everyone. Come on.”

 

Brendon and Dallon followed Spencer through his house, out into the backyard where Ryan and a few other people were scattered around on a giant blanket. Spencer’s backyard was huge, partially because it didn’t have a fence around it, and partially because it just kept going. All of the houses on his street were backed up to a field, and it was the largest space Brendon had been in.

 

“Wow,” Brendon said. “Your backyard is so cool.”

 

“There’s a river, if you walk far enough,” Spencer said, which made everything better. Spencer put his hand on Brendon’s shoulder and stared him down with the death glare that Brendon was now familiar with. “You’re not going swimming, though. It’s too early, and you’ll freeze your ass off.”

 

“Darn,” Brendon said, but he wasn’t too discouraged. He looked past Spencer again, to the people on the blankets, and made eye contact with Ryan. Ryan waved, and Brendon waved back before bounding past his two friends and over to Ryan. He dropped down beside Ryan and bumped his elbows. “Hey, Ry! What’s up?”

 

“We were talking on Facebook literally an hour ago, Brendon,” Ryan said, smiling at Brendon. His eyes were bronze again, and Brendon was in love with him. “My life isn’t that exciting.”

 

“Right, sorry,” Brendon said, and laughed at himself. “My life’s just even more boring than yours, I guess.”

 

“Dude, who’s your friend?” someone asked. Brendon looked away from Ryan, remembering that there were other people there that he didn’t know and he couldn’t hog Ryan to himself, even though he wanted to. The person who had spoken was a girl with curly black hair pulled up in a bun. Her ears were stretched, but not a lot. Brendon might have been able to stick his pinky through the hole in her ear, but he wasn’t going to try. She grinned. “Hey. I’m Triona McCoy, but most people just call me Mickey.”

 

“I’m Brendon Urie,” Brendon said. “Most people call me Brendon.”

 

“He’s Dallon’s friend,” Ryan said. “And mine and Spencer’s, but we met him because of Dallon.”

 

“Cool,” Mickey said. “What school do you go to?”

 

“I just finished at South, and next year I’m gonna be in Castle High with Ry and Dallon,” Brendon said. He hoped he didn’t sound like an idiot, admitting he wasn’t even in high school yet.

 

“I’m at Harrison, but Ryan, Gabe, and I all went to the same after school program when we were kids so that’s how we know each other,” she said. She sat up and pointed over her shoulder to where a guy with long brown hair was running around barefoot and chasing after a really tall guy in a purple hoodie. Purple hoodie was also holding a pair of shoes in his hands and laughing. “Gabe’s the one in the hoodie, and Bill’s the one chasing him. I’m pretty sure they’re dating, but no one actually knows for sure.”

 

“They’re gay?” Brendon said, perking up.

 

Mickey narrowed her eyes. “Yeah. So am I. Do you have a problem with that?”

 

Brendon shook his head. “No, no, not at all. I just--um.”

 

“What?” Ryan asked. He was frowning slightly at Brendon, his eyes flicking up and down Brendon’s face and making him feel like they were the only two people in the entire universe. “You just what, Bren?”

 

Ryan’s voice was so soft when he said Brendon’s name. It made Brendon fall more in love with him in that moment. Brendon swallowed, thickly, and ran his tongue over his lips. Dallon was the only one, so far, who knew that Brendon was gay. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to come out yet, especially in front of his crush and someone he barely knew.

 

Brendon dropped his gaze. “My parents are really anti-gay. I’m not. It’s just… nice? I guess, to meet people who are gay. I don’t know. I’m sorry, I’m new to all this.”

 

“Dude, it’s fine,” Mickey said, reaching out and patting Brendon’s knee. “We’ve all been there. Just don’t act too weird around them and we’ll all be good.”

 

Brendon relaxed. He hadn’t come out, but it was okay, because these people seemed to like him. He got introduced to Gabe and Bill later, when everyone was sitting and eating the burgers Mr. Smith had made. There were three other people there too, but Brendon didn’t get to talk to them much. He’d seen Pete around school, and easily recognised him from his haircut, but didn’t recognise the other two guys that were sitting on either side of Pete.

 

The group ate and danced and played a few rounds of truth or dare before people started heading inside to play various video games. Ryan stayed behind, taking his time, and Brendon stayed back with him. This was the first time he and Ryan had ever been alone together, and Brendon’s heart was pounding loudly in his chest. It was quiet, now that everyone else was inside and the sun was down.

 

“You don’t have to stay out here with me,” Ryan said. His voice was still soft. It matched the night, blending in with the warm, damp air and the sounds of fireflies.

 

“I want to,” Brendon said, trying to match his voice with Ryan’s. He couldn’t. Brendon’s voice stuck out. He was always too loud, and Ryan was always so soft. Brendon rubbed his arms. “You’re fun to hang out with.”

 

Ryan ducked his head. “I’m really not.”

 

“I think you are,” Brendon said. His heart was catching in his throat. Ryan was just so beautiful, so perfect even though he didn’t look like magazine models or people on TV. He wanted to tell Ryan everything, to hold his hand and maybe kiss him one day. Brendon stepped forward, towards Ryan, and then back. He was so nervous. He was going to explode. “I think you’re really great.”

 

“I get overwhelmed by people,” Ryan said. “Sometimes, when there’s too much going on. I feel like I’m going to cry, or scream or something. And I’m really sad, all the time. Spencer knows, because Spencer knows everything about me. I don’t know why he puts up with me all the time. I don’t know why you, or Dallon, or Gabe or Pete or anyone else puts up with me. I’m just a drag on everyone’s mood.”

 

“You’re not,” Brendon said. He took a deep, shuddering breath. “You don’t drag my mood down, Ry. You actually make me really, really happy.”

 

Ryan looked up. “You don’t mean that.”

 

“I do,” Brendon said. His voice felt heavy. Everything felt heavy, and too much. Brendon wanted to blend into the night like Ryan did. Ryan was like the moon, soft and welcoming, a cool touch against skin that was too hot. “Have you ever kissed someone before?”

 

“What?” Ryan asked.

 

“I… sorry,” Brendon said. “I just… I’ve never kissed anyone, or been on a date or held hands or anything, and sometimes I feel like there’s something wrong with me--”

 

“I’ve kissed two people,” Ryan said. “But it wasn’t anything big. I’ve only had one girlfriend, but we dated for about a month. Spencer’s never kissed anyone, if that makes you feel better.”

 

“It does,” Brendon admitted. “Have you ever kissed a guy?”

 

“Yeah,” Ryan said. He shrugged. Brendon could make out his silhouette in the lights coming from Spencer’s house. “That’s the other person I’ve kissed. I’m into guys and girls, I guess. I never really thought about labels, or whatever, but I guess I count as bisexual.”

 

Silence. Both boys were waiting on the other to make the first move.

 

“Wait,” Ryan said, his voice cutting through the silence of the night instead of bleeding into it. “Is this… is this you coming out to me?”

 

“Kind of?” Brendon said. This wasn’t how he’d planned to do it. He hadn’t planned to do it at all. Brendon figured that he would just silently pine over Ryan for the rest of his life and never do anything about it. “And, um, I don’t want to make things awkward between us, because you are my friend and I really do care about you, and our friendship, and everything. But, um. I have another confession, and I guess I’ll say it since I already told you I’m gay. I like you. You don’t have to like me back or anything, and we can just go back to being friends and pretend this never happened if you don’t, but I hate keeping sec--”

 

Ryan cut Brendon off by pressing his lips to Brendon’s. His hand were on Brendon’s face, cold fingers holding Brendon close as he kissed him. Brendon’s eyes were wide with shock, but Ryan pulled away before Brendon could try to kiss back.

 

Ryan pushed his hair away from his face and stared at the ground. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t want you to think I hated you, but you just kept rambling.”

 

“Ryan,” Brendon breathed out. He didn’t know what he was feeling, but it was the best thing in the world, and he wanted Ryan to kiss him again so he could feel it again. “Ryan. Ryan.”

 

“Oh my God, I broke you,” Ryan said, and burst out laughing. Brendon was pretty sure they were both broken, because he was laughing too, and soon enough they were both sitting in the grass, holding onto each other and crying because they were laughing too hard. Ryan put his hand on Brendon’s cheek again. His fingers were still cold, even though the air was warm. “I broke the innocent Mormon kid with my gay, Godless ways.”

 

“I’d go Godless for you if you kissed me again,” Brendon said.

 

Ryan just stared at him.

 

Brendon shook his head. “Ryan. Kiss me, seriously. I’m dying.”

 

“Don’t be so desperate,” Ryan said, but Brendon could hear the smile in his voice as Ryan leaned forward and kissed Brendon. Brendon did his best to kiss back, closing his eyes and leaning against Ryan until they broke into giggles again. They didn’t do anything else but kiss, out there in Spencer’s back yard, but Brendon didn’t want to do anything else.

 

Ryan took Brendon’s hand and held it in his. He looked down at their hands, intertwined together against the grass. “Your hands are really warm.”

 

“Yours are cold,” Brendon said.

 

“I know,” Ryan said. He looked up at Brendon through his hair. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

 

“Yes,” Brendon said, breaking into a grin that almost hurt his face. “Yes, yes, I want to be your boyfriend. I really, really want to be your boyfriend.”

 

“Sweet,” Ryan said, and leaned over to peck Brendon’s lips. “Because I want to be your boyfriend too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment/kudos telling me if I nailed ryden or failed it horrifically and should stick to the more obscure panic pairings! (Or yell at me, whatever, it's all cool)
> 
> Also, I did write this in one day, and it is 12:40 at night, so if this seems a little shitposty... sorry. It also takes place before anyone figures out their genders, so sorry about the misgendering.


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